tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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