She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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