I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
