i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am available for nakedness
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
