Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
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I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach