yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
