It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
