I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
