I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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