I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
