Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
