too bad you live with your parents still
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
