remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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