Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
