I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
