i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
MIDGETS
????
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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