I feel great
I just peed on a car
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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