I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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