Your tits are I can't wait for
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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