best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
