captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
