I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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