i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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