seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
