i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
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if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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