i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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