Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
