I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
