You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
