you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
