2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
