It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I AM VODKA MAN
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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