Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
