the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
