I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize