My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
