Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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