I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
