dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
