real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
