Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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