rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
