I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
