why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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