I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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