Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
