I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
