she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
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I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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