this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
