Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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