If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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