1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
