I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
