We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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