I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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