dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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