There was a lot of him and a little penis
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
