A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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