I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
